LAST POSTTT (although it is a littleeee bit late).

Alright so it starts off with James’s perspective, and honestly part of me thought he was going to commit himself too. He’s so filled with anger it’s bad. However, he starts to reflect on their differences. How their different takes on the world may have caused several miscommunications. She wanted to be different and break gender norms, he wanted to fit in and reduce racism.

“But different had been different for Marilyn” (Ng 251).

This quote is honestly such an eye-opener for the relationship of Marilyn and James. They both realize that things could have been better if they actually communicated. Which to be fair, it is a saying that communication is key in a relationship.

Back to Nathan, he’s hungover. Like majorly. (Poor Buddy). We’re brought back to the past. Nath is getting the details about moving into Harvard, and Lydia feels like she is losing him and is scared of letting him go. Which, I feel a little bit of older sibling guilt reading this especially since I’m the one going to college next year and leaving my siblings behind.

However, that means that Hannah and Lydia had a chance to get closer. But Hannah, having cleptomaniac tendencies, resulted with Lydia noticing the necklace her dad gave her on Hannahs’s neck. She kind of snapped here, resulting in Lydia ripping the necklace off of her sister’s neck. Lydia sees the necklace as a symbol that she’s stuck in the “perfect daughter” position, and she does not desire that on Hannah. This also kind of reminds me of generational trauma: inflicting your trauma onto the younger generations.

In this section, you can really see how everything piled up on Lydia, which I wonder if Hannah interfered, things would be different. In addition to that, Lydia attempts to be different and change something about her. She tries to make a move on Jack, which, ew. But he tells Lydia that he’s actually in love with Nath. Lydia reconsiders all of her interactions… when Jack asks about Nath at all times. And she’s upset to the point she threatens to tell Nathan (who hates Jacks’s guts). Which is so wrong of Lydia, I mean she trusted him with it, and all he did was confess his love so she would understand.

The story gets closer to her death dates, Marilyn is dismissive of all the signs Lydia points at. A fake smile plastered on her face (sadly). Lydia makes a plan. (My heart actually dropped 500 feet as she reflected on her life, trying to find out when everything went wrong). There’s such a gorgeous description of her reflection, it’s honestly amazing (Page 273 gets all the good details).

And then Lydia makes a decision at 2am, she goes out onto the lake. She promises to restart, to be happy, to live her life despite what her parents think. I get scared honestly. She rows out to the middle. I see this as a religious allusion, a rebirth. She decides to swim from the middle of the lake to shore, as a symbol to start anew. Which is actually so much more heartbreaking than what people think. Because she didn’t want to die, she just didn’t know to swim. I actually almost cried and I’ve never cried for books before.

Back to the present, everything has been a bit calmer. Hannah and Marilyn are finally bonding- even if it’s after the death of Lydia. I feel like Hannah is a symbol of new beginnings, a clean slate.

But Nath storms out to find Jack. There’s a confrontation between the two with Hannah as a witness. Nath resorts to anger and he assumes there is more to uncover to the story because Lyd and Jack hung out the night before she passed. Hannah knows that he didn’t do anything, and Jack assumed that Lydia told Nath.

Nath hits Jack (which he’s awful for that one), and Jack just takes it. I’m really pissed at Nath for resorting to anger. Hannah pushes Nate into the lake. It’s kind of a full circle moment in reference to Lydia. He partially wishes to drown, to get rid of the pain, but in the end he swims up as a natural reflex. He reflects on his own life choices, and he accepts Lydia’s death. He also promises to care for Hannah, “he doesn’t want to dive underwater and lose sight of her face.”

Honestly, the book leaves me with a bunch of questions about what happens next. How their relationships are mended, and how they move forward. I would rate it an 8.5/10 because it was a good book, beautiful writing and reflections, but the ending gets me wondering.

Themes: Grief, Family/Relationships, Racism, Sexism, Regret, and Sacrifices

Okay so a lot has happened, I guess it makes up for the uneventful section 5 – they were just preparing me to be ready for new things

Alright, so we left off where the police decided to close the case and call it a suicide as there is no other evidence of interference. This is a little on Hannah’s perspective of the entire story, where all the little details are recalled.

She builds off the theme of neglect, since her sister was always the center of attention, she never really had attention on herself. She gets scolded if anything because she takes things from her family as little trinkets with sentimental value.

The family all reacts in different ways to the case closing. I mean, James stormed out after fighting Mariln sooo. I think they all are reflecting on whether they picked up signs of her not wanting to live or not, which gets Marilyn thinking about her actions towards her daughter (and here we have the regret theme pushing through). She also reflects on her marriage with James and how their different views on things caused a miscommunication. She wanted to be different due to sexism, while he wanted to fit in due to racism. Marilyn decides to look for James and Nath tells her about the affair and where she can find him.

She goes to visit Louisa without her awareness. Marilyn is aware that James is there, but she acts as if she didn’t know, either way, Louisa and James are aware they have been caught. Which I think she should just leave him after that, because what kind of a man does that, ugh.

Nath is angry that they closed the case without further inspecting Jack, he still believes that Jack did something to Lydia but the truth is actually unreal. Hannah recalls an interaction with Jack that involved Lydia, Nathan, and herself. And Hannah notices something (Side Note: this part is really unexpected and honestly got me reconsidering the interactions between two of the characters) Jack is in love with Nathan. (The sad thing is that these are the 1970s (here’s some info on being gay in the 1970s) so he can’t ever do anything about it without the possibility of being killed).

Which honestly I had to walk away from my book because that was such a plot twist in my opinion, like I could have expected anything except for that. Amazing, 10/10 plot twist 👏, definitely threw me in for a loop.

And now we’re back to the flashbacks. When Lydia was alive. This is a little look at Lydia and Jack’s relationship, they’re close friends. However, now that I know that Jack is in love with Nath, their interaction really seems like he’s trying to find out more about Nath. However, I think Lydia is interested in Jack, which is a really messy situation, yikess. Especially since Nath absolutely hates his guts.

Later Lydia is lectured by her mother about her failing physics and focusing on school rather than anything else. She feels like while trying to focus on one of her classes, she loses balance of both of them. Personally, I relate to that, it’s hard to balance out life. Like this year English and Bio both have been something I struggled to balance, which I think we can tell which class took priority (Sorry Mrs. Johnson).

Which Marilyn needs to stop guilt-tripping, it’s so bad ugh. Most of this part is Marilyn showing her awful mothering skills and her projection. I mean I get that she wants her daughter to do well, all parents want what’s best for their children, but her way to carry it out is horrible. She ignores Hannah when she has something to say or something to show. Like, learn to balance out your attention to your children woman!

Also James gives Lydia a necklace locket, which seems like a really sweet gesture coming from her father, but the true meaning is actually just James projecting. “This was meant to remind her of all he wanted for her” (Ng 228). This alone brought

Also fun fact: Lydia predicted that Louisa and James were seeing each other behind Marilyn’s back. Well… she thought they were, but that was just flirting I’m pretty sure. Because at that time James didn’t even think about other women in that way. (Honestly, I wonder if this is another pressure that caused her to off herself – I mean I’m like 98% certain that Lydia actually did commit suicide, which is honestly really sad because maybe it could have been stopped.) A girl’s intuition is very strong, the fact she knew before it even happened is awful. She didn’t tell anyone either!

The saddest part is that only Hannah seemed to have noticed a shift in Lydia. She could tell something was going to happen, she knew that Lydia had snapped. Which kind of makes my suspicions a little more confirmed that it was a suicide. For Hannah being the youngest and the only one to notice is actually one of the saddest things ever in my opinion.

Marilyn and James confront each other, and unfortunately, it doesn’t end well for him. James storms out of the house and disappears, Nath also storms out, I would assume to find James(?). Poor Hannah is scared and crying, while Marilyn is contemplating everything.

Marilyn is angry and hurt, and she begins to consider the idea of Lydia causing her own death. She begins to feel guilt over how she had parented and how much Lydia must have suffered in silence because of it. “Everything that she wanted for Lydia, which Lydia had never wanted but had embraced anyways.” She realizes how much she projected onto her daughter and never truly asked her what she wanted.

As she breaks down, Hannah goes up to Marilyn and hugs her. It’s a sweet bonding moment that honestly could symbolize how they still have another daughter and that she won’t be pressured as much as Lydia. (New beginnings? Taking a step in the right direction?)

Also little extra detail: Nath apparently went to a bar and got really drunk. I don’t think that’s a healthy coping mechanism but you do you bud. He even hallucinated thinking the officer was his father :((

We’re on the grind for posting 💪. It’s been a very productive weekend of doing work… other than Sunday, but that’s a different story.

This section was pretty brief and very much a filler section. Which in my opinion is like the worst. I mean don’t get me wrong, there’s still entertaining parts to it but there’s not much juice iykwim. Either that or I’ve read so much my brain ran out of thoughts…

Anyways… the last blog post ended with Lydia blurting out she’s failing physics just as her family began to celebrate Nathan’s achievement of getting accepted to Harvard. Which is such a narcissistic thing to do, I mean I understand but also come on that’s awful.

Marilyn is being too harsh and projecting on Lydia and stating that she will never find a job, that her failing is her asking to just marry a man, and she has no plans for her life. To be honest, it’s also her fault that she shifted her attention so much to Lydia right after she said that.

Nathan is mad at Lydia. Rightfully so. I know Lydia feels guilty but she could have maybe waited till after to pull her parents aside, not in front of everyone. I understand Lydia wants to be reassured that everything will be fine, but asking Nathan to remember the times he was being rejected and she was praised after ruining that moment seems a little evil. So he just kind of left her alone, which rightfully so.

Her parents keep pressuring Lydia to get better at physics, which fair but come on. Give the poor girl a breakkk. If you keep constantly learning without breaks, your brain dies (I know from experience).

Lydia also expresses some desires she has, for her father to think more sentimental than anything else. Especially after her own dad gives her a book about how to keep friends. Which, way to project your wishes onto your child. The worst part, is she’s too much of a people-pleaser. So despite not having friends, she pretends to go on the phone with friends so her dad is happy. She ignores her own desires for her family.

An additional theme to the list of already long themes: sacrificing for the sake of others. Except in this situation, Lydia is sacrificing herself too much for her parents.

Based on my notes, I think I’m mainly hating on James and Marilyn for most of this section. I mean what kind of parents are they? They project so much on their kids, and pressure so much on their kids. Ugh. (I take notes with page numbers written with my thoughts so that way I know what to talk about and it reminds me of what each section is- it’s really helpful and I can better organize my thoughts).

There is a little bit of a backstory as to Jack and Lydia beginning to hang out. They bond over failing physics, which brings Jack by surprise because Lydia is a smart kid but failing. Lydia is still mad at Nathan for leaving her alone, and Nath tried to apologize (which I think Lydia should be apologizing but whatever i guess). She hangs out with Jack because she knows Nath doesn’t like him.

Lydia tries cigarettes for the first time, which I think her reasoning would be a self harm reason. I mean listen to this: “Like cutting your finger, she thought: the pain, and the blood, reminded you that you were alive” (Ng 189-190). Again, Celest Ng’s writing is actually so beautiful, but so depressing at the same time. I love it.

(Theme: Racial differences) Jack also asks what it feels like to be Chinese in a mainly white school. Lydia talks about how she doesn’t feel different until she realizes. Others might see the differences right away, but to her she’s just a student. I connect with that, sometimes I usually don’t consider the racial differences between me and others until I do. Like, if that makes sense, it’s hard to explain but if you know, you know.

The book goes back to the present. Where James is cheating :|. I hate this man so mucchhhh. He “only finds comfort in Louisa’s bed” (his Chinese intern that he’s cheating on Marilyn with). Something tells me he’s going to destroy the family. I hope he gets what he deserves and suffers and rots.

There’s some more in depth about Jame’s emotions, which don’t get me wrong are valid. I understand he’s low-key suicidal, but that doesn’t give the right to mfing cheat. The worst part is when Nathan gets yelled at for just being there. He definitely knows that James is cheating, especially after smelling her perfume on James. I hope Nath exposes James. The police call and close the case, ruling it as a suicide.

Marilyn refuses to accept this when she hears, I get that she doesn’t want to believe that Lydia would do this, but come on. I mean I get she would blame herself, but also it kinda is her fault. James gets mad at her and I predicted he was going to divorce Marilyn, or even state that he was out of love.
(Which reading at the time a quote was said, and i literally said “CALLED IT” – I’m great at predicting the plot of books and movies/shows sometimes).

James regrets starting a relationship with Marilyn at the moment. He thinks that if Lydia wasn’t white, the police would have kept searching, causing more of an argument. And that’s when the line confirmed my prediction: “That moment, that connection, seems far away and small now, like something that happened in another life” (Ng 203). Now James is spending time at Louisa’s which is awful. I despise this mann.

To address the fact that this is like weeks late… my bad 😅 life piled up and so blog posts were put as one of the last priorities. But ay, I didn’t completely avoid it!

Alright, so this is one of the bigger sections with a lot of information so hold onto your hats!

There’s a constant theme of avoiding the past. They don’t talk about Marilyn’s disappearance or that Lydia once fell into the lake. But it always haunts them. I believe this section of the book is a flashback to when Marilyn did go missing though.

There’s a misalignment in perspectives between Marilyn and James (which are Lydia’s parents). James believes she left because he wasn’t white and that she supposedly realized she would be happier. When in reality, Marilyn’s plan was to leave to pursue her career as a doctor. Personally, I don’t know why she had to abandon them, I mean I understand wanting a new life, but did she think she couldn’t do both? Either way, that’s the path Marilyn chose. James blames himself a lot in this section. I feel bad for him, but also he’s a cheater in the future so it’s diminished by that. Poor Nathan and Lydia didn’t deserve for Marilyn to leave them though, they were really small at this point. All they wanted was for their mother to come back :(. Not to mention the kids’ babysitter (Mrs. Allen) keeps talking down on them and pitying them. They don’t know what’s going on so I think Mrs. Allen needs to stop because she’s making them feel like its their fault.

There’s a little bit of a backstory as to why Nathan doesn’t like Jack (their neighbor’s kid). However, it seems like it was all due to a miscommunication. That’s a really common theme: Miscommunication/misinterpreting. Jack was trying to make Nathan feel better about their missing mom, but he was angry instead. It makes me wonder what would have happened if Nath didn’t take it the wrong way, would they be best friends instead?

Another important moment is when Lydia makes a promise that ends up causing her so much pressure and might have led to her death (if it was a suicide – which I’m super sure about right now). She believes it was something the family did that caused Marilyn to run away. She makes a promise:

“She would do everything her mother told her. Everything her mother wanted.” (Ng137)

Now, Marilyn’s perspective is given in the same section. Marilyn feels guilty about leaving her kids (as she should honestly). However, something she does that’s literally torture is calling the house phone and just hearing them without response. I bet the family was worried that was her or someone kidnapped her or something. She continues to study for a good 9 weeks, with the guilt but she continues.

Plot twist… Marilyn gets sick and passes out. She’s pregnant with Hannah (the forgotten youngest). She feels like she cannot break the sexist roles. When a woman tends to her, she asks where the doctor is, she realizes her mistake and feels guilty. She falls into learned helplessness, where she doesn’t believe she can do both. “Let it go. This is what you have. Accept it.” (Ng 144).

On the other hand, James is being a great and kind husband. He’s probably doing this in fear that she will leave again. The kids are happy that their mother is back though. However, this coincidence causes Lydia to act on her promise. She admits that she lost the cookbook that belonged to her grandmother. Marilyn sees this as an opportunity for Lydia, leading to a fixation on just Lydia. James also is fond of Lydia, because she doesn’t remind him of himself when he was younger (which Nath reminds him of, therefore he projects onto the poor kid).

The neglect and dismissiveness of Nath led to resenting his sister. He still gets along with her but there is hatred towards her. One day, Nath and Lydia sneak out of the house because Nath is upset. They stand at the dock at the lake. Nath pushes Lydia into the lake and immediately regrets it, so he saves her… In that moment, Lydia felt relief. Which sounds awful, but it makes sense given she already feels like she’s being pressured. It’s actually heartbreaking because she’s still little and her mother recently came back.

“She had staggered so readily, fell so eagerly, that she and Nath both knew: that she felt it, too, this pull she now exerted, and didn’t want it.” (Ng 154). The amount of describing during this moment is actually beautiful, but it’s so depressing, I love it.

It’s heartbreaking that they both will remember the feelings for life. But their parents will never know about it. Nathan realizes that his sister would need him when she is drowning (metaphorically).

What doesn’t help though, is that James projects onto Nathan. He makes snarky comments and immediately wants to take them back but he doesn’t. He sees too much of himself in Nathan, causing him to feel like he’s yelling at his younger self. He laughs at his own son, some kind of father he is.
What I would do if I ever saw James

The rest of the section is about how Lydia is the center of attention. Hannah is pretty much forgotten about, even though she’s literally gonna be the new baby. The poor girl grew up with parents who didn’t care for her and only focused on Lydia. James also favors Lydia because she seems to look less like him (Asian), and she “still has a chance of being popular” ugh. Poor Lydia didn’t want this, especially since her siblings sort of resent the attention she had gotten (they don’t resent her specifically). Marilyn gives Lydia the option to not study, but she projects her own desires and Lydia still keeps saying yes because of her promise.

A little aspect that I resonate with Lydia about is that she burns out. She doesn’t understand concepts as easily, like physics. It sucks honestly, but you gotta keep pushing through or you face the consequences (like I might be if I lose my 4.0 this year (lala)). She’s terrified to show she’s struggling, which a lot of people do, they pretend they’re okay while they silently drown. (Another theme: falling under pressure yet hiding it).

Meanwhile, Nathan applies to Harvard and gets accepted! Well, Lydia hides the first acceptance letter because she’s scared to lose him since he will be gone. Jack delivers the second letter because it got mailed to their house instead. Nathan celebrates his win, especially with it being something Lydia can’t take away.

I do kind of resent Lydia for this though. As her family begins to put the attention onto Nathan, she blurts out she is failing physics. I mean, I understand wanting to talk about it, but really? While her brother finally has something good about himself?? That’s just crappy.

This was a bit of a longer section as it was 2 full chapters (I will try my best to not yap too much). Also note that some of these are not in chronological order, but mainly organized by character.

The first chapter of this section is set back a few years. Before the last child (Hannah) was born. (Nathan was in 1st grade, and Lydia just started primary school). Marilyn became a stay-at-home mom, which was the opposite of what she wanted to be. Especially since these were her mother’s greatest desires. She tried to find a job but was not taken seriously because she is a woman – which reminder: this book was set in the 1970s, so things weren’t as equal.

The worst part, in my opinion, is that James discourages her from finding a job because of his own insecurities. He cares too much about his own reputation to even allow his wife to do what she wants. (Kind of reminds me of The Crucible where people care too much about their appearance than others). James completely disregards her wishes because “He knew what people would say: He couldn’t make enough – his wife had to hire herself out” (Ng 79). Absolute ick. We hate insecure partners. He should have supported her through her decisions at this time. Like, I understand why he would do this but also it was very unreasonable.

Another thing this chapter does is answer some of my questions from my first blog post when they talked about Marilyn’s disappearance. What I get is: that Marilyn’s mother passed away and she got a phone call about it. She wasn’t very sad (which is fair considering that her mother hadn’t been contacted for a few years, especially after being racist towards Marilyn’s husband (James) on their wedding day). She goes to her mother’s house to supposedly take heirlooms and clear out the house (which lasts like a week). She doesn’t find anything of value to her that is linked with good memories except a cookbook. This is ironic because it just sort of symbolizes falling into her mother’s desire for Marilyn to become a housewife. Something about this triggered something in Marilyn and caused her to break down – mainly over how unhappy she was that she couldn’t achieve her dreams of becoming a doctor. It even causes her to drive to a hospital, which leads to Marilyn meeting Jack’s mother – Janet Wolf.

This interaction with Janet gets her thinking about being a mother and also being a doctor. She plans to leave her family and go to college to finish her degree. I can’t imagine how terrible this must have been for her family. Especially since Lydia and Nathan were still very young and had to sit on the porch until James got back from work only to find a note left by Marilyn. I know she felt guilty, but I don’t think what she did was right at all. It kind of reminds me of a certain situation that happened a few years ago (that I cannot disclose about).

Meanwhile, I also get James’s perspective while Marilyn is cleaning out her mother’s house. He finds it a bit difficult to parent the kids without Marilyn. However, he manages to spend time with Nathan. (He left Lydia at their Neighbor’s house because she couldn’t swim yet). There are a few desires of his own that he projects onto Nathan. The idea of becoming popular and being athletic was a huge goal for James and was trying to force Nath to fit in that way rather than being seen as a “weird Asian kid”. Also, this is when Jack and Nath meet. (Jack is the suspicious guy that Nathan doesn’t like because Lydia would sneak out with him). James sees Jack as a ticket for Nath to be popular, but Nath ends up disliking Jack. This is because Jack was the only one who stayed in the pool during a game of Marco Polo with the other kids. Which to Nathan was an insult and an attempt to humiliate, but what I saw was that Jack was trying to be the only nice kid. The worst part was when the other kids called Nath a slur, James just watched his kid run off and cry. He didn’t even bother to comfort him because Nath reminded him of himself as a kid, part of him wanted to comfort, and part of him wanted to yell at him to toughen up. I wonder if this is when Lydia started becoming a favorite – because James thought that it was just her that could be popular.

The next chapter is back into the present. Where everyone is grieving Lydia still. However, there seems to be a consistent theme of avoiding sensitive topics in the household. Such as Marilyn’s disappearance, Lydia’s death, etc.

We do get a view into Hannah’s perspective. She’s angered at Lydia for passing away. She believes it was a suicide as she is an observant sibling. Her presence is rarely sensed, allowing her to listen and watch many things nobody else cares to notice. Which feels like the stereotypical middle child except this time she’s the youngest. Hannah plans to sneak out and take the same route her sister did on her last day. (I wasn’t sure if it meant she was planning on also dying or if she just wanted to see what happened). From what I have gotten, she was just trying to get close to her sister and try to retrace Lydia’s thought process during her very last moments.

Hannah sneaks out of the house very late at night and visits the lake they live near. She tries to reminisce about the good times at the lake (where Lydia was found), but things are different now. Her remembering was bittersweet because it shows that they weren’t a very connected family but still had good times. The lake that once was a highlight of the family’s life became a depressing area. A place they avoided. Hannah goes back inside afterward and sleeps in Lydia’s bed, wishing for her sister’s presence. (Mentally I cried at that because as an older sister, the thought of no longer being there and my siblings missing me would actually break my heart).

There is a transition into the next morning. The family is a little more tense because Hannah incidentally forgot to re-lock the door the night before, but James and Marilyn don’t know that because Hannah is invisible in the family. This causes an argument between James and Marilyn (and poor Hannah just listens and hides under the table because this is a new situation). Marilyn begins to blame and say that this is the reason Lydia is no longer with them – because she was kidnapped and drowned.

It makes me a little mad that Marilyn is so determined that Lydia did not commit suicide. Everything she says is always in defense of the idea of Lydia being a loser to society. She literally gives every excuse for being lonely, like academics. When the police asked about Lydia’s happiness, she jumped to the conclusion that Lydia was always happy and there was absolutely no reason her daughter would commit. I understand she doesn’t want to believe that her daughter would ever be in a terrible mental state, but she has to at least consider it an option. I wonder if the idea of that just brings guilt to herself, and she’s using the defense as a way to also defend her parenting. At the end though, she paces Lydia’s room and ends up finding a pack of cigars and contraceptives in a hidden backpack pocket. It brings her horror and more motivation to uncover the truth. I don’t think she will like the truth she is desperate to find.

James is still a scumbag in my opinion. I mean yes, Marilyn was in the wrong for calling him a stereotypical name during the fight. But James just left after that – talk about an avoidant personality. Not to mention he was starting to feel guilty about the affair, and the news coverage. But then he kind of stopped caring after the argument. I mean, I understand that the comment hurt him, but the fact that he immediately went to his affair partner’s house is terrible. He was planning on breaking it off with the affair but when he shows up at her house, he just says please. I dislike this man. In general, I dislike these parents.

Now onto Nathan, the poor kid is traumatized. While talking to the police, he feels guilty because he was planning on talking to her about college. He remembers being excited to talk about it, but Lydia just went upstairs to her room so he thought he would talk to her the next day. Sadly, there was no next day for Lydia, which makes him feel like he could have stopped her from committing if he had just talked to her.

In the end, the parents are fighting (one is uncovering harsh truths while the other runs away from his problems). Hannah and Nathan share a nice sibling bonding moment. It was really sweet because they are usually never super connected, and this was the closest they have been in a while. Just sitting next to each other silently in pain, but with each other. It’s a bittersweet way to end the section. I’m excited to see what happens next, what Marilyn uncovers, if anyone finds out about James’s affair, and how Hannah and Nathan cope.

This section was a little odd to read since I did kind of stop in the middle of a paragraph, the book is a little weird like that. The book is sort of flashbacking a bit, the narrator is quite omniscient so at least I can know what the characters are doing.

The beginning part of the section is a flashback to when Marilyn and James are in their younger years, falling in love. James is an Asian man (as stated before), and the book describes how his parents were Chinese immigrants. The book also uncovers James’s desire to fit in, but just doesn’t feel like he belongs. Despite being born in America, he does not feel American, and he really doesn’t have Chinese connections either. It’s really sad to think about. I kinda relate to this, although I am quite connected with both my cultures a decent amount, but sometimes it kinda does feel like I don’t fully belong to one culture. He stops speaking Chinese to his parents so it doesn’t “tarnish his English accent”. Which is kind of crappy of him to do, I would never stop speaking Spanish because it “messed up my English”.

James has also been set to some high standards by his parents, which means he might also be following a generational curse (pushing their children too hard). He manages to get a scholarship for an Academy where his parents are employed as cafeteria workers. To satisfy his parents, he recites things he learns (in English cuz he’s just that weird), which his parents don’t really understand. (Gets me wondering if he even recites true things or just rambles, I think that would be interesting to do). He kind of hides in shame about his culture, he never brings up things relating to being Chinese. (Also the fact that he researched American Cowboys in college kinda feels like he’s doing it to feel like he belongs). Sadly, his parents both passed away after college (I think), I wonder if he has any regrets about distancing himself from his parents.

The love story between Marilyn and James continues as well. The story kind of reconnects itself and lines up with Marilyn’s. Some things described are cheesy in my opinion. I mean some of it is sweet, but other times I’m just like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLg04uu2j2o (brotha eww). Their love story is quite lovely to be fair. James “promised himself he would never let those hands harden” which is adorable because it just means he really does love her and wants her to have the best life without having to work too hard.

Sadly, there is the theme of racism within this book. From James’s perspective, he constantly lives with the assumptions, the comments about his eyes, and the feeling of not belonging. Sadly, this transfers towards Marilyn too. Not only does she conform to her mother’s desire, but her mother dislikes James because he is Asian. SHE LITERALLY ASKED HER IF HE WASN’T JUST IN IT FOR THE GREEN CARD. Like, dang. Right before she walked down the aisle too. Literally, the audacity is insane. Marilyn goes through with marrying James though, she storms out and ends up throwing the lipstick, smearing her mother’s dress (deserved). Unfortunately for her mother, that was the very last time they talked. From what I know, her mother was quite controlling – absolutely disliked her. Sadly, their marriage does get judged because interracial marriages were iffy in the 1970s. (Which I kind of forgot to mention (aka I was unaware of this), this book is set in that period).

Back to the present. The funeral takes place. Everyone is absolutely depressed in their own way. Grief takes Nathan through an angry route. I think this quote honestly beautifully captured his emotions: “It seems inappropriate for the light to be so bright, for the sky to be so blue, and he’s relieved when a gray cloud drifts over the sun and the water turns from silver to gray” (Ng 58). He’s mad at the world, which is understandable. If the sky is beautiful it isn’t fair for his dead sister.

James copes by not being responsive at all. He’s got an avoidant attachment style like fr. He avoids looking at anyone or anything, and pretty much goes back to work. He has read the autopsy report and has an anxiety attack (poor guy). His assistant reads it, then invites him over WHICH REVEALS AN AFFAIR?! (I mean I was a bit sketchy of his assistant from the beginning, but I thought I was just overanalyzing). That’s honestly such a low blow for him, grief-ridden but still cheats – like he doesn’t even stay with his wife?! I dislike this man. I wonder if he still loves Marilyn or if he fell out of love.

Meanwhile, Marilyn copes with lying in bed. She’s clearly in a depressive state (she literally said that she wanted Lydia to be the last face she saw as she died – which is blatant favoritism). Her coping is to lay in bed, but then she realizes can enter Lydia’s room. Marilyn recalls Lydia telling her mother to stay out of her room while studying and misses her (another beautiful rendition of grief). She lays on the bed remembers her smell, and remembers the diaries that she had given Lydia. She opens it to find out what happened to her, but they’re blank. I think she feels a little betrayed about this because it was a tradition to gift her a diary every year. Only to find out nothing had ever been written in it. This reveals that Marilyn wants to find out what happened to Lydia no matter what.

Hannah (the younger sister) also grieves in her own way. She isolates. She desires. She observes. It’s eerily described that she watches everyone. She sees Nath spying on the policeman and on Jack. Remembers the details about her father as they drove back home from the funeral. She notices her mother in Lydia’s diary. However, she remains quiet. Invisible. This poor girl is in 5th grade (I think), and she is the most estranged from her family. She literally “imagines comforting her mother, her mother’s arms comforting her in return” (Ng 76). Like OUCH. I hope she gets the help she needs.

Side Notes:

Jack is at the funeral (the guy I found sketchy). I learned more things about him though. He is apparently Lydia’s only friend, a player who hooks up with different girls every day (ew), and was last seen with Lydia. He gets interrogated by Nathan. Nath learns Lydia was always upset over homework and pretty much her whole life. This part got a little confusing I’m not going to lie.

Sorry I sort of procrastinated on this. To be fair life is very busy, but at least I got it done on time! I did have one of my friends try to keep me accountable hahah.

So far, the book is a little uninteresting. It is the introductions of everything, get to know the characters, that kind of stuff so I didn’t expect it to be filled with drama from the start. Right now, I know a few background details about the family, however, I bet I will learn more. The family is Marilyn (Mother), James (Father), Nathan (Older Brother), Lydia (The protagonist but also not really cuz she’s dead?), Hannah (Younger sister). They don’t really seem connected from what I’ve read so far, they typically do their own things, especially the siblings. All they’ve done so far is worry but not talk about it, staying quiet when there are comments that could be made.

The book does start in a weird way with the first sentence being “Lydia is dead. But they don’t know this yet.” It really gets you to say: well dang, that’s brutal. However, it does catch some attention. The beginning sets up like a normal day, where everyone is getting ready in the morning, which makes the first sentence make sense. Again, the plot is pretty boring action-wise but very informative for background.

Clearly, there’s favoritism for Lydia as described in the beginning. They emphasize that she’s beautiful and takes after her mother (who is white), but her siblings take after their dad who’s an Asian man. (Which is a little harsh to the poor dad). The poor girl was being pushed by her parents to be the best she could be. It is revealed through her brother that she has been faking a lot of her life, though. (Kind of reminds me of the motivational speaker who came in to talk about hiding behind a mask). She pretends she has friends when in reality, she’s just used for homework and nothing else. Also, she apparently sneaks out with a guy named Jack. I found him a bit suspicious cuz nobody in her family except Nathan knew about this. So maybe he has something to do with her disappearance. I don’t really trust him, but also he’s briefly mentioned, so I’ll give this guy a shot at proving himself innocent. (You can never be too sure that everyone is innocent with these kinds of books).

In addition to Lydia’s “perfection” (or things that make her the favorite I think?). She has taken advanced classes for her Sophomore year, which I can relate to. (And I genuinely don’t mean that as a flex or anything, but just a similarity between each other.) She also got her license later than she should have, which I did too. (I am so thankful for that because I could not survive on the bus any more than I already had to, plus I can drive myself whenever I need to instead of asking for a ride). She’s just a 16-year-old, so she’s got to be relatable in some aspect. A bit of a difference is that I don’t think my parents push me as hard as her parents do. (I mean, they obviously care that I do well in school, but most pressure comes from myself-I’m working on that).

A lot of the story is about trying to find Lydia, worrying about how she is or where she could be. Constant phone calls to the police and trying to get a search party. Calling Lydia’s supposed friends even though they’re not actually her friends. Revealing Lydia was actually not who her parents thought she was. Hannah being very observant of everything, and I mean everything. It’s not really emphasized but I think I will get more about her later in the book.

A frustrating thing about this is that the police officers don’t really do anything. They just hang up missing posters everywhere. They assure that she probably just ran away because she was mad or something, and that “almost every teenager who goes missing tends to come back on their own.” Which is really dismissive for them to say. They also mentioned how Marilyn went missing back in ’66, but there is no further detail on that. I’m curious as to why or what that was about. At the end though, they find Lydia’s remains in a lake. Which is interesting considering Lydia hated swimming.

There are a few specific themes/topics that are evident through this first section. Firstly, racism. There’s mentions of racist encounters that Lydia’s siblings and dad have gotten. Such as the sterotypical holding the eyes back to symbolize Asian eyes. (Which I don’t understand how people can just do those things and not be ashamed). James also encounter’s racially motivated comments, like people assuming he is an immigrant for being fully Asian or that his wife is white and not Asian. Which as someone who is fully one race but not born in the (original?) country, I completely understand the frustration. (I do kind of find it funny when people realize I wasn’t born in Mexico though cuz I could just completely lie and they’d believe me). Additionally, James is raised by White parents, so he doesn’t really have a connection with his culture, which definitely makes it more frustrating to deal with those comments.

Another theme would be sexism. Which is mainly emphasized through Marilyn. She was raised to become a typical woman, a housewife. However, she was always a very bright student. Her perseverance and her smarts got her ahead of everyone, even the supposedly smarter males. She was the top student in her classes, even the ones with males. However, she’s held back from her full potential from her mother (who is a single mother professor), who’s big goal is seems, is that her daughter gets married to a good man. Marilyn does protest in her own way by messing up everything she does, like her typical perfect embroidery, classes, cooking, etc. Which in my opinion is iconic behavior. I absolutely adore her for this, despite the sexism she still manages to get on top. (Which I think might be one of the reasons Lydia is pushed so hard to be the best, so she can follow her mom’s footsteps).

However, she does kind of fall into her mother’s desire (it wasn’t forced though, thankfully). She ends up going to Harvard where her mom mentions something about finding a “good harvard man” and she does. This ends up being James, the twist is though… that he’s her professor. I mean they’re both actually pretty close in age, but that whole thing is just really weird to me. Like, it’s just really really weird to me how it all happened. It happened quickly in the book, which I know the relationship was developed over a time span. However, after James’ first lecture, she stays after to talk to him and they make conversation. And the SHE KISSES HIM?! like girly I don’t know about you but that is bold. I mean you do you but holy man. It’s your first lecture with this strange, young teacher, and you apologize for like 90% of your class leaving even though its not your fault, ask him what his favorite subject in school was, and after he answers you kiss him? That is some fast romance. I don’t know how to feel about it. To make it not weird she does drop his class and then starts going out with him.

Some things that stuck with me was the difference in their parent’s desires. Marilyn loved to stand out, James wants to fit in. It will be interesting finding how this dynamic works between them. So far they have no conflicts or complications. James wants to be taken seriously and to fit in. One of the reasons he fell for Marilyn was that “she had blended in so perfectly”. Which is weird. Another thing that stuck with me and showed their differences was “`Because more than anything, her mother had wanted to stand out; because more than anything, her father had wanted to blend in. Because those things had been impossible.” I don’t really understand the final sentence, but the first sentence really intrigues me.

Overall, this book is pretty good for a beginning section. I’m surprised I was able to read it in time, especially with how busy life has been. I’m planning on staying on track and take notes for what I have read so I can relay them into my next blog post. I hope to find more about everyone and uncover what happened to Lydia. Also to reveal secrets because I love knowing things 🙂 (I mean who doesn’t?).

My book of choice is “Everything I Never Told You” by Celeste Ng. This book was recommended by Mrs. Johnson, and there are a few other books from her recommendations I might read. As well as the recommendations of others. One of the reasons I picked this book was because it’s supposedly an absolutely heartbreaking book (which I know isn’t a healthy reason to pick a book but sometimes you just want to have your soul torn to shreds by a book). It’s about a couple learning things about each other after their favorite daughter, Lydia, was found dead in a lake. Apparently, Lydia had very high expectations from her parents from the small description I found on GoodReads. But when she dies, everyone learns something new about each other. I think it’ll be interesting. Poor Lydia will never know the family drama (sorry about that joke). I’m excited to know everyone’s secrets and see how everyone takes in the new information about their family. Additionally, there’s a multicultural factor in here – it’s an Asian-American household. So it will be interesting to see the differences between a multicultural family with this situation. I will be reading this book on my own because I’m not sure if other people would want to read the same little sad books I want to read, so we’ll keep it to ourselves in this situation.

I typically procrastinate (sorry Mrs. Johnson and other teachers), so reading might be a challenge for me. However, I should be able to read 40 pages per section (more or less depending on the chapter endings). If I am falling behind I think I might listen to the book if it is allowed, so I don’t have to follow the procrastination cycle – a habit that I’m working on. To ensure success, I can have friends outside of class reminding me to do my work, which typically works better depending on who you have holding you accountable.

POV: Every high school student at some point in their lives

(Let’s also ignore the fact that this blog post was also procrastinated upon). I will keep reminding myself in my planner to do what I need to do. I’m really excited to start this book and see others react to their own books as well!

I believe that De Las Casas’ was able to change many audiences due to one factor: he is part of the audience he is speaking to. Although it is not specified in the text, there are multiple hints that his audience is Europeans back in the Old World. De Las Casas exclaims, “let us again whether the Spaniards preserve the divine concepts of love for their fellow men” (De las Casas 91). Here, he expresses religion that ties with the people back in Spain and asks him if those morals are honestly what the people back in Spain believe. Such a technique gets the audience to question the morality of the Spaniards in the New World. De Las Casas also describes the treatment of the Natives in great detail. His choice of diction includes negative connotations that antagonize the Spanish colonizers. Additionally, De Las Casas is white, and people are willing to hear him rather than a Native American attempting to speak out and get disregarded.

Columbus changed the audience by influencing them to believe the Natives were inferior to his culture. He implies this through his inhumane description and a judgmental tone. He backs up his statements by giving himself a God-like complex and making it seem like they worshipped the settlers. Columbus emphasizes by explaining the trades made and how ignorant the Natives were to trading valuable items for trash. Similarly, he implies the Natives supposedly believed that Columbus and his crew had “come from the heavens.” Audiences must have been influenced because Columbus was a voyager who made a shocking discovery. So, he obtained power through his fame and reached audience members into forming a new country, as well as enslaving the Natives.

Red Cloud’s account changed some of the audience. Although his speeches are remarkably rhetorical, there is a factor he can not avoid: being Native. Red Cloud utilizes techniques that get his audience to think intensely about the similarities between cultures while considering the differences between their treatment. His speeches are direct and to the point while people ponder the rhetorical inquiries asked. There is power with his speeches that can definitely persuade. However, because he is a minority, people are less willing to listen and consider his input.

The Very Brief Relation of the Devastation of the Indies by Bartolome de las Casa is all about Cultural Encounters and Frontiers. Bartolome is a man from Spain entering the New World and encounters the Native population. In his texts, he emphasizes the harsh treatment of the Natives by the Christian Spanish settlers. Rather than becoming prejudiced and believing he is superior to the original residents who are different from him, he acknowledges their existence and stands with them. Throughout the text, he realizes the differences between his people and the Natives, such as their ‘greed’. De las Casas states on page 89, “The Spaniards did not content themselves with what the Indians gave them of their own free will.” This shows that the Natives gave the Spaniards their own items, yet it was not enough for them, which can be translated to their different cultural values related to items. To the Natives, the gifted items had significance but little or no value to the Spaniards. The clash of cultures is also shown within the entire text. Because the Spaniards contained bias that their culture was superior, they saw the Natives as inferior. Leading to the inhumane treatment of the Natives by the Spanish. “These Indians who had lived happily on their islands until the Spaniards came” (De las Casas 92) also emphasizes how the cultural encounter between the Natives and the Spaniards caused the mistreatment of thousands.